Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Make Me Crazy

What I can admit, on a computer, to the nebulous internet, the blue nowhere is astonishing, given I cannot even admit it to myself or my husband.

Worry and fear wrapped around my throat last night, like an iron vise, tightened by my overactive imagination. The, like I was four again, I cried myself to sleep.

I HATE living in two separate places.

For the most part, I am a functioning human being mainly because of the beautiful thing called habit. I know where my keys are, because I always place them in the same place. I know where my shoes are, because there is only two places they can be. What happens when I am living in this other place, this place I stay at while I am at school? Those familiar places are gone, and so is my ability to function. I can't find my keys, my shoes, because I am not home.

It just seems worse this time around. Last semester, I was only gone Monday night and Tuesday night. Now, I leave early Monday morning, and I come back late on Thursday. My schedule is weird and hellish while I am at school, and it probably makes me weird and hellish.

I can't sleep because my husband is not next to me. And then I do something silly, like cry myself to sleep.

One more semester, one more semester...

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