Monday, October 26, 2009

In A World Where I Left My Laptop On The Floor

...and dogs could type, this is what you would learn:

WHOA! I could totally chew the edge of this screen. Mmm, maybe not. Hi, I'm Telly. I like to chew, but not tobacco, you know, just say no and all that. The Woman left her laptop on the floor, and I decided to tell you about a day in the life of ME!

I hate the workweek, because The Woman and The Man leave me in my spacious cage. The Woman, every morning, offers me a piece of chicken, and every morning, I fall for that trick and I end up in my crate. On my soft bed. And then I fall asleep before I can protest. Then the nice dog walker lady comes and I totally know how to play her. I give her sad eyes, and she gives me treats and rubs my belly.

When The Woman comes home I am nuts and race around in circles, fitting as many toys into my mouth as possible. I do this so she knows that I am cool. I think.

I like to chase my tail. I like to play with the dog down the street. I like to pee on the carpet steps, because it's really funny watching The Woman clean up the steps with Lysol, and then swearing when she realizes that she stained the steps with Lysol. I bark at the dog in the window and in the doorway, and The Man shakes his head and says, "Not the brightest crayon in box, are we?"

But I am the brightest crayon. I'll show him, because I know where he keeps his socks and boxers and I figured out how to open a drawer. Also, I know where he keep his laundry. The Man will regret this.

No matter what The Man and The Woman say, I still fit under the bed. I love it when The Man picks me up.

I've lost all my baby teeth, and I don't understand why The Woman looked at my teeth today and said, "Almost time! Snip, Snip!" What is a snip?

I don't understand why I'm not allowed to chew up the carpet, why I can't eat wood chips, pick up rocks, or eat the stuffing out of my puppy. See, I had a stuffed puppy that was nice and soft, but one day, it became evil puppy, and it was hell bent on conquering the world--The Man and The Woman's house--and so I had to destroy it. I was sad that it became evil puppy, so I tried to eat the stuffing.

The Woman sees me standing on her laptop. This means [O$%$4TY5 ;OQIJ F;OPW!!!!!!!!!!!

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BAD DOG! No biscuit!

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Yes, in a world where Tellys could talk, he would have lots to say to you.



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