Monday, January 18, 2010

Chalk it Up

Remember when a holiday meant you didn't have to go to school, go to work, go to class?

Yeah. Miss that. Guess I should have been a professor.

In undergrad, I had no idea where I was going. Hell, in law school, I wasn't sure where I was going until I got this job offer. This job was everything I thought I wanted--public interest, saving the children, forcing me to challenge myself, doing good.

I think what I want out of a career is going to be more of an evolving process. I loved the English/Lit work, and I miss it, but I didn't feel like I was doing something that meant anything, at least to me. Here, I am doing something that means quite a bit, but I don't know if I can keep doing it. I stay awake thinking about it. I dream about it, and get no sleep. I. Can't. Stop.

Should I combine the two, and come out as a a law professor, someday? Maybe. But I don't think I would get that sense of fulfillment, that I am doing something meaningful, from it.

On the other hand, I could sleep. Stop getting new grey hairs. Stop crying at the drop of a pin and endlessly annoying Vor with my seeming inability to control my emotions and temper.

I think, first, I need to nail down what exactly it is about all this that I find so stressful and difficult to handle. I have several varied answers for that, and none are what you would think they are.

I've been fulltime since October. This should be getting better, not worse. I can't keep ignoring it, chalking it up to be new, and thinking it will get better. I need to sleep, forGodssake.

2 comments:

LawMommy said...

And now you understand why so many in our profession self-medicate...

I hope it gets better. My father worked as a lawyer for children's services for 5 years. At which point, he had to leave. It happens. Don't let it drive you to drink.

Grace said...

I suppose the great part about this new diet is that there is no drinking...? Hmm. :)