Monday, June 21, 2010

Step Back, Hop Forward

I really should know myself better by now.

When I feel super stressed, and like I haven't had a break and some downtime in a while, that is a surefire sign that I am going to get sick. Remember November/December 2009? Hmmm? Right.

So here I am, in 90 degree weather, with a fever, which makes the weather feel like a 110 degrees, coughing, generally under the weather. Awesome.

True to form, that also means that I have a full day of hearings tomorrow--one really early in the morning, one in late morning through lunch, and one after lunch to the end of the day.

Vor and I had a nice conversation about family and starting one and babies and timing and school loans and mortgages. Yes, those are all VERY interrelated with two law school loans to be paid off.

In the first five minutes of the conversation, my heart rate went through the roof, my palms were clammy, and my breathing was shallow. It was actually pretty hilarious that talking about family plans could produce such a ridiculous response. After the twenty minute panic attack, it was a nice conversation.

I'm not so sure that the panic is related to my ambivalence about being "Mom" anymore. At this point, I think it's about the money and the job and the loans, the fear of not having my parents close to me, the fear of them being so much older than they were for their other grandchildren, the fear that this becoming okay with being a mom might be for naught, and I might not be able to get pregnant, the generalized fear I have about being pregnant and my particular health problems, and the specific concern I have about how to handle morning sickness in a court room.

I can't be the only (future) pregnant woman who has been a litigator (but then again, see above about possibility of having sub-fertility issues; then see literature on adoption). There must be some graceful way to handle this. And before you start saying, there might not be any morning sickness--my female family are morning, afternoon, and night morning sickness champions. We revel in it.

But, it's progress. I think a big step in not being afraid of being a mother was actually really helped by Vor. I see so many people who at some earlier point in their lives would have never dreamed of doing the things they did do to their children. Other people would have never thought these people could fall so far and cause so much hurt and damage. I have been, maybe still am, worried I could be that person--become the thing you hate--, but Vor, gently and often, reminds me that I have a gift--I know my limits. I know when I am ready to lose it, and I can walk away. He's right. I know what really pushes my buttons, so it is not a surprise when it happens, and I am already prepared. And I know the consequences, which these people never did before. Plus, I have a husband who i think will be a great father, who is the only person in the world that I want a family with. (eww, gooey) Bonus, I don't have a criminal history that involves animal cruelty, so its not likely that I am some crazed psychotic. I'm only partially joking.

So, progress.

Now, I need to go lay down and feed myself chicken sans noodle soup.

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