Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Forgiveness and Forgiving This

I can't remember a time when KK and her son didn't live across the street from my parents. She was a single mom, and I babysat S. I remember when they got their dog, and then I was their dog sitter, too. KK liked to have me around, she said, to boost the estrogen in the house.

Then, one day when I was a senior in high school, she was killed.

It was stupid, stupid, stupid. She was running a marathon with her best friend. A drunk, on duty police officer in his police car drove down the street that the marathoners were runing, and swerved right towards them. KK saw him coming and pushed her friend out of the way. He struck KK and killed her, and then swerved off. They found still wandering around in his car, plastered, in the next town over.

Her parents forgave the police officer almost immedately, and I was furious. It took me many years before I felt any kind of peace about it. Now, all I feel is sadness for her and S, and pity for the man who killed her.

I didn't understand, until all this happened, why I was so angry with her parents for immediately forgiving him. For me, forgiving is something that is part of greiving. To forgive someone immediately for something horrible is to ignore the fact that I am human, and I need to greive this. How can I possible move to forgiveness when I am still processing what happened? I can't help but think now, given everything I know about KK and her parents and all the aftermath, that their forgiveness was just "forgiveness." They felt they had to, but it was what their faith taught. I don't believe that they truly forgave him until much later. I don't know that S has yet.

For as bad as that was, what happened here was worse. It's been a few weeks now, so now it feels like the elephant that the people that knew M best step around. There are still bits of information coming out like a slow drip faucet. I've become silently obssessive about security.

So, the greiving process is still on going. If I am still affected it by, I can only imagine how much worse it is for Vor. To deny this process would be to deny M, and that's impossible,

Forgiveness? Not yet. Ask us later.

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