Monday, June 28, 2010

Bells Tolling

Vor and I had dinner with my friend Vintage, from law school, on Saturday.

We also had dinner with her fiancee. Mmmmm. I'm a bit torn about this. I want her to be happy. He is certainly making her be just that. But, she dated him before, and it ended badly. They've been back together for six months, and they're engaged.

If there was ever anyone that was "just right" for her, it's him. I just worry. It's so short a time, with a not good history behind them.

Sigh.

My best friend, E, is getting married in November. I'm her maid of honor. I love her dearly and have known her forever, but I swear, I am the worst choice ever for a maid of honor. I don't like party planning. (bach party, showers, etc). I don't like crazy parties (see bach party, oh, wait in VEGAS. crap.) and I am terrible at planning things when I don't live in the same city as the event (I am here, she is in Nevada, wedding in Buffalo, bridesmaids scattered across the country).

This has disaster etched on it.

This is also going to be one of the weddings where everyone you knew from high school appears again. That should feel... interesting. With a few exceptions, I do my best to avoid people from high school.

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I haven't managed to kick this cold/flu/bug/virus/evil life sapping disease clearly genetically created and altered to attack only me. I've never felt so tired as I do right now. I never felt this wiped out even when I was in law school. And the sore throat has got to stop. I alternate between sounding like me, sounding like a man, and sounding like I sucked on a helium tap.

Maybe I am have something more than just the cold/flu/bug/virus/evil genetically altered creature clinging to me. Maybe after years of thinking I had mono in high school, I've now finally gone and gotten mono. That would be just. fabulous.

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It's 7:00 pm here, and I am home from work. However, I am picking up my laptop and working some more, just like I will do every night this week, until I flee this city on Thursday and head for Buffalo, where there are fish frys on Fridays, church bells ringing every day at the church around the corner from my parents, at 5:05 pm, a crystal clear pool, and lots of small fingers, connected to lots of small hands, connected to lots of small and not so small nieces and nephews, waiting to say welcome home.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Boldly Going

I was completely, utterly, and undeniably correct when I said I was getting sick.

I got up Tuesday morning and was positive I was going to pass out... perhaps because I had a fever of 100.4. Now that might not seem high to you, but I run normally at 97.1. I drove to work to conquer those three hearings, stumbled to my desk, and realized I could not stand long enough to handle three hearings. I dropped the file off on another co-worker, while my boss(es) made the signs to ward off evil and sickness, and I drove home.

At some point in the day, I hid in the basement, because it was cooler down there, and even with air conditioning, I felt like I was standing under a rocket launch. The thermometer read 102.

Shortly after taking in that number, I became convinced that the dog's eyes were glowing red, that the dog was a zombie, and that the dog was going to eat me. The rational part of my brain was convinced that I was delirious.

All in all, it has faded now, though I am left with an intermittent voice and constant exhaustion, with strange bouts of coughing. Telly's eyes are not glowing anymore, much to my zombie-hating relief.

It's been a long week. I go to Buffalo next weekend to see the family collective (kind of like the borg collective, you know? --"you will be assimilated." It's their standard line.)

I think I need a nap before I see Vintage and her newly minted fiancée tonight. I'm exhausted just typing this. Resistance is futile.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Step Back, Hop Forward

I really should know myself better by now.

When I feel super stressed, and like I haven't had a break and some downtime in a while, that is a surefire sign that I am going to get sick. Remember November/December 2009? Hmmm? Right.

So here I am, in 90 degree weather, with a fever, which makes the weather feel like a 110 degrees, coughing, generally under the weather. Awesome.

True to form, that also means that I have a full day of hearings tomorrow--one really early in the morning, one in late morning through lunch, and one after lunch to the end of the day.
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Vor and I had a nice conversation about family and starting one and babies and timing and school loans and mortgages. Yes, those are all VERY interrelated with two law school loans to be paid off.

In the first five minutes of the conversation, my heart rate went through the roof, my palms were clammy, and my breathing was shallow. It was actually pretty hilarious that talking about family plans could produce such a ridiculous response. After the twenty minute panic attack, it was a nice conversation.

I'm not so sure that the panic is related to my ambivalence about being "Mom" anymore. At this point, I think it's about the money and the job and the loans, the fear of not having my parents close to me, the fear of them being so much older than they were for their other grandchildren, the fear that this becoming okay with being a mom might be for naught, and I might not be able to get pregnant, the generalized fear I have about being pregnant and my particular health problems, and the specific concern I have about how to handle morning sickness in a court room.

I can't be the only (future) pregnant woman who has been a litigator (but then again, see above about possibility of having sub-fertility issues; then see literature on adoption). There must be some graceful way to handle this. And before you start saying, there might not be any morning sickness--my female family are morning, afternoon, and night morning sickness champions. We revel in it.

But, it's progress. I think a big step in not being afraid of being a mother was actually really helped by Vor. I see so many people who at some earlier point in their lives would have never dreamed of doing the things they did do to their children. Other people would have never thought these people could fall so far and cause so much hurt and damage. I have been, maybe still am, worried I could be that person--become the thing you hate--, but Vor, gently and often, reminds me that I have a gift--I know my limits. I know when I am ready to lose it, and I can walk away. He's right. I know what really pushes my buttons, so it is not a surprise when it happens, and I am already prepared. And I know the consequences, which these people never did before. Plus, I have a husband who i think will be a great father, who is the only person in the world that I want a family with. (eww, gooey) Bonus, I don't have a criminal history that involves animal cruelty, so its not likely that I am some crazed psychotic. I'm only partially joking.

So, progress.

Now, I need to go lay down and feed myself chicken sans noodle soup.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Maybe Next Week

Memorial Day weekend involved two different day long parties and preparation. Then D and M came to town from Buffalo to visit Vor and I, and brought their tenacious 14 year old pug. Telly LOVED that. Then my parents were in town. Then I went to Bench/Bar this weekend and

I NEED A WEEKEND OFF.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

A Long Day

Sigh.

Just FYI

P.S. It can be a surefire way to positively infuriate me to say that there is no discrimination left against people in the workplace. Especially directed towards women. And then tell me that you've never worked, and that your husband is able to support you, and you remain at home. (btw, if that is possible, and your choice, then I am jealous, and you go girl. but pontificating?)

Come again?

Off to work. With the good old boys club. Where they once tried to shut me out of judge's chambers and told me my presence or opinion was not necessary.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Dawn

...

I know I've been quiet on here. Between a house full of guest, a birthday, and general crazyness, it's been busy. Also, those parents of mine will be arriving this weekend, so extra business will ensue.

Perhaps the biggest is an epiphany that has been storming around in my brain, dawning, then running away, and finally settling.

Later for that. Must go find strawberries now.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Sing a Song for Me

Cute blouse? Yes.

Cute skirt? Yes (though I confess, I am wearing a pair of my old volleyball spandex underneath. don't judge)

Nails? Painted red.

Perfect weather? Yes. Thunderstorms are my fav.

Lunch with Vor and Mama Vor? Yes, at my place of choice downtown. Adobo, Oceanaire, or Palamino? So hard to choose.

Must be my birthday!