Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Here's The Thing

How did you know you ready for motherhood?

There are several categories that my general confusion and frustration over the subject falls into right now. Here they are, in creasing importance to me.

The Practical. The whole idea seems crazy. You want to put me in charge of a small being? Dependent on me for everything? I lose glasses on a regular basis. One time, I deliberately yet accidentally threw out my wallet. I need alone time on a regular basis or else I melt down.

The Emotional. I don't feel ready. I feel immature, irresponsible, brand new, like a kid still myself, selfish. I know I am not these things (okay, maybe I am sometimes selfish, but its usually selfish with Vor's time--I always want more and all to myself!)--it's only how I feel when it comes to parenthood.

The Imaginary. I can't see it in my mind's eye. I can see Vor as an amazing parent. But as soon as I try to interject myself into that picture, it fades. I don't see a disaster, I just see--nothing. I've always been able to see myself doing the thing I want to do--whether it was visualizing the routine I was about preform or going to law school, I am a visualizer. I just don't see myself doing this.

Sigh. How did you know you were ready? Do you just take a leap, or did you know you wanted kids?


LawMommy said...

I'm still not 100% sure I'm ready to be a mother...and I've been doing for 11 years.

I'm kind of kidding, and kind of not.

I didn't put a lot of thought into getting pregnant, although I did get pregnant on purpose. For me, it was a decision of timing that actually went like this:

We should get pregnant now (May of 1999) - BECAUSE IF WE WAIT UNTIL I AM DONE WITH LAW SCHOOL I WILL BE 30.

(The irony in that statement is that it did NOT occur to me, on any level, how very, very, very hard it would be to tackle 1L and a BABY at the same time. That said, I did it, Gabe was six months old when I started law school. I would highly recommend NOT doing that.) (Since you are done with law school, that's kind of a moot point.)

Motherhood, especially in the first few years, will suck up your free time, and you will have mornings where you and your husband are arguing, angrily, over which one of you can take a sick day because the baby is sick and you both are supposed to be in court. I cannot lie to you and tell you those are easy days...

I really think the only good reason to have a child is because you really WANT to have a child.

(And sure, babies happen accidentally all the time, and no doubt there are lots of folks who enjoy those happy accidents. I love my kids, I'm glad I'm their mother - but I'm not going to tell you it's an easy decision to make.)

Grace said...

Amazingly (for me), the lack of free time doesn't scare me. I know, if not personally, at least from vicarious experience what it will be like.

I guess that's my problem at this point--the wanting. I can't quantify the want (is it biological craziness? do I really want?). All I know is that my husband would be a great dad, and he is the only one I could ever see having children with. I guess that will have to be enough to start!