How did you know you ready for motherhood?
There are several categories that my general confusion and frustration over the subject falls into right now. Here they are, in creasing importance to me.
The Practical. The whole idea seems crazy. You want to put me in charge of a small being? Dependent on me for everything? I lose glasses on a regular basis. One time, I deliberately yet accidentally threw out my wallet. I need alone time on a regular basis or else I melt down.
The Emotional. I don't feel ready. I feel immature, irresponsible, brand new, like a kid still myself, selfish. I know I am not these things (okay, maybe I am sometimes selfish, but its usually selfish with Vor's time--I always want more and all to myself!)--it's only how I feel when it comes to parenthood.
The Imaginary. I can't see it in my mind's eye. I can see Vor as an amazing parent. But as soon as I try to interject myself into that picture, it fades. I don't see a disaster, I just see--nothing. I've always been able to see myself doing the thing I want to do--whether it was visualizing the routine I was about preform or going to law school, I am a visualizer. I just don't see myself doing this.
Sigh. How did you know you were ready? Do you just take a leap, or did you know you wanted kids?
Words and Seeds and Stars
2 days ago