Scenes from a Marriage:
Scene: After a long difficult night with Her Ladyship Lis.
Him: I think she’s just a stomach sleeper. She just rolls onto her stomach to sleep.
Me: I’m totally down with that if she will just sleep FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
Him: I just put her down on her stomach last night and she slept for four hours.
Me: What do you do when you put her down on her stomach? [thinking he might turn her head, move her arms, etc.]
Him: Well, if I told you, then I would be revealing my super secret skill that means that I ALONE am the awesome putter-to-sleeper, and we can’t have that, can we?
Me: [wordless growling, gnashing teeth]
Scene: I’m making scrambled eggs.
Him: Did you hear about that new book?
Me: No, which one?
Him: Memoirs of a Quiche-a.
Him: I heard it was egg-cellent.
Me: You really crack me up [showing him the broken egg shells].
Him: The joke just suddenly hatched in my mind.
Scene: On a walk with Lis and dog.
Him: What did one melon say to the other? Cant-elope.
Me: What did the fish say when it ran into the concrete wall? Damn.
Him: What did one tractor say to the other? Move a little closer, John Deere.
Me: What did the fish say when it ran into the boat? Oh, ship.
Him: Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He—