Friday, May 31, 2013

Just Say Yes

Second baby, thoughts on. Go:

Cons: Being pregnant. Throwing up everything, even water, for nine months straight. Likely reoccurrence of gestational diabetes. Recovering from birth. PPD. Slim yet slightly increased chance of craniosynostosis. Newborn stage with toddler. Newborn stage with jealous, mommy loving, daddy obsessed toddler. Newborn stage generally. Lack of sleep. Craziness induced by lack of sleep, up to and including believing that my sweet, helpful, kind mother-in-law is trying to "steal" baby from me (see PPD). Maternity leave. Having to do transitions memos. Having to find someone to cover me at work. Reintegrating back into work. Daycare costs. Nursing. Pumping. Less time with Lis. Having to share Lis. Having to share Vor even more. Weight gain. Weight loss. Weight gain. Weight loss.

*Notice I didn't put labor on that list. Yeah, that hurt like a mother, but meh. Labor and delivery really didn't register on the scale of "hard" or "this sucks" or "make it stop" or "OHMYGOD what did you do to me" compared to pregnancy.

Pros: Cuteness. Nice smelling. Squishy. Snugly. Siblings. They don't stay newborns forever. They eventually get past the crazy tantrum hitting me toddler age. Adoption is an adoption, so could avoid pregnancy. Squishy. Snugly. Siblings.

Oh, and this:
 
 
I have siblings. They're not close in age, but we've gotten closer over the years. I would hate for Lis to miss out on that. Also, she is supremely jealous of me and Vor and doesn't share well (though they assure me at school that she shares fine), so maybe it will be good for her. Also, she is really cute, so maybe another one would be cute. I love her. Vor loves her.
 
But every time I think maybe, and that it's getting easier, she stays up all night and screams at us. Or she hits me and pulls out a chunk of my hair. Every time I think maybe, I think of how hard pregnancy was, and how crazy, BATSHITCRAZY I was after she was born. Every time I think maybe, and wouldn't a sibling be nice, she sweetly runs up to me and hugs me, and I think I could just burst open from love of this child, this sweet baby who has come through so much, and I think I can't possibly give up one precious second of my time with her.
 
Every time I think maybe, I remember my heart being torn into pieces, at her diagnosis, my desperation in the weeks before hand, the terror during the surgery, the ache and hurt and grief afterwards. Still.
 
Vor wants another child. Not right now. He wants to be open for discuss sometime after she turns two. I am not even open to be open to discussion right now. I can't even describe how dark a place I was in after she was born and on maternity leave. I never, ever had thoughts or harming her or myself. I would have immediately sought help if I had. But, I felt like I would never be happy again. When I finally reached normalcy again, I was whacked with another terrible thing, her surgery, and it really wasn't until Lis turned 1 that I've felt like myself again. It wasn't until she turned 1 that I started caring about me again--putting on real clothes, putting on makeup, taking care of my health. So for, Vor, it's been 1.5 years since we had a baby. For me, it feels like .5.
 
I don't know. I want to say yes. I want to WANT to say yes. I want to say yes, even if it's delayed, and later yes. But I just don't know that the answer will ever be yes.

2 comments:

G Love said...

Well, unless you're forty, you probably have some time for your feelings to shake out some more. I will say two things that have nothing to do directly with your decision (because I think two people's involvement in that choice is enough people!) I have faith you two will get to a place where you've figured it out, one way or the other.

#1 - I was desperately ill with my first and felt no nausea with my second. That's not to say it would happen for you, and I understand the fear of pregnancy (I felt it myself). I remember making it to week ten with Liam and not having thrown up yet, and thinking OH MY GOD I THINK I AM GONNA MAKE IT THROUGH THIS ONE.

#2 - Did you ever have your thyroid checked after Lis was born? I also went to a dark place after Liam was born . . . a few months later I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism (i.e. not enough thyroid hormone.) Mine is chronic, so I take replacement hormone to manage it and will forever, but huge swaths of women suffer from postpartum hypothyroid. It eventually clears up, but while they have it it causes severe depression (other symptoms are exhaustion, inability to lose weight, poor immune function). It can last for months, and can start immediately with birth or months after the baby is born. It could have been normal old PPD - but I know an OB who thinks that huge numbers of women suffering from PPD are actually experiencing postpartum hypothyroid, but they never get checked.

Grace said...

Hmm. Never thought of that, and thyroid problems are chronic for women in my family. Maybe that has something to do with this stupid weight situation too.

You're right, I have plenty of time. That being said, I'm just not sure that in a few years I will be capable of doing all the normally baby stuff again (emotionally). Who knows. Lots can change!