Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Like A Gust of Wind

I'm about two weeks shy of having been at this job for a year now.

There are moments where I think--just for a moment--that I have seen enough to have a pattern to base decisions on, sort of like a template to work from, and make changes to fit the situation. In law school, we called it applying law to the facts at hand.

Then the moment passes, the sun goes out, and the storm clouds roll in, and I have a lying cheating double dealing money laundering attempted murdering child molesting belt buckle whooping individual who I'm sure is otherwise a lovely person sitting in documents before me, and I run for the sanctuary of my boss's office, where I tell her my woes and seek direction.

As bad as it is, it is easier than the recent situations I've had. I have a job that is supposed to be about protecting children. But what do I do when they are the problem? When they are the YOUNG lying cheating double dealing attempted child molesting sexual acting out sneaking out of windows heroin using poor kids diagnosed with ODD, ADHD, ADD, MPD, BPD, ARD who can't stop themselves?


In other news, my maid of honor (matron of honor?) behind is being hauled out to Vegas for the bachelorette party. It's really hard for me to leave Vor. I've tried to explaining this to him, but I just get all teary. I think some part of my brain is still convinced that we are STILL in long distance mode, where I have to jealously guard each second, because I may not get any more seconds for another month. Or maybe I am just a homebody who does not like to party.


In other other news, it is 8 pm and my husband is just coming home. Tomorrow it will be 8:30 before I even dream of coming home.


Friday, September 24, 2010

It's Friday...

...and I have one word for you:


Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Forgiveness and Forgiving This

I can't remember a time when KK and her son didn't live across the street from my parents. She was a single mom, and I babysat S. I remember when they got their dog, and then I was their dog sitter, too. KK liked to have me around, she said, to boost the estrogen in the house.

Then, one day when I was a senior in high school, she was killed.

It was stupid, stupid, stupid. She was running a marathon with her best friend. A drunk, on duty police officer in his police car drove down the street that the marathoners were runing, and swerved right towards them. KK saw him coming and pushed her friend out of the way. He struck KK and killed her, and then swerved off. They found still wandering around in his car, plastered, in the next town over.

Her parents forgave the police officer almost immedately, and I was furious. It took me many years before I felt any kind of peace about it. Now, all I feel is sadness for her and S, and pity for the man who killed her.

I didn't understand, until all this happened, why I was so angry with her parents for immediately forgiving him. For me, forgiving is something that is part of greiving. To forgive someone immediately for something horrible is to ignore the fact that I am human, and I need to greive this. How can I possible move to forgiveness when I am still processing what happened? I can't help but think now, given everything I know about KK and her parents and all the aftermath, that their forgiveness was just "forgiveness." They felt they had to, but it was what their faith taught. I don't believe that they truly forgave him until much later. I don't know that S has yet.

For as bad as that was, what happened here was worse. It's been a few weeks now, so now it feels like the elephant that the people that knew M best step around. There are still bits of information coming out like a slow drip faucet. I've become silently obssessive about security.

So, the greiving process is still on going. If I am still affected it by, I can only imagine how much worse it is for Vor. To deny this process would be to deny M, and that's impossible,

Forgiveness? Not yet. Ask us later.

Saturday, September 11, 2010


Yesterday: food poisoning.

Today: a little heart-sick, remembering.

It will always be hard to remember the panicked feeling, not knowing where my brother was. It will always be hard to remember, knowing people I knew at the Pentagon were likely dead. I will never forget literally holding up a classmate as she watched the second tower collapse, with her dad inside.

Unfortunately, it will always be all too easy to remember.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Sunda Blog Salad VII

Salad--what's probably for dinner.

Lettuce. The meat of the salad. I do believe my lettuce is wilted, folks. It's been stunned grief that's been taking up lives, between deaths at my work, and tragedy elsewhere in our lives. It's exhausting, and consuming. Although its been consuming, the less said on it, the better. At least for now.

Vegetables. At this point, vegetables--the things that are necessary but I wish weren't--are literally vegetables. I've been on a roll with my food, and doing really well, but suddenly I have hit a sugar valley again. I gave myself a few treats, and all the cravings are back, with the headaches, and the holy mother of pearl cramps and double vision showing up like clockwork once a month. Yes, if I was not sure before, I am now--sugar makes my life much much worse.
SO, as of this moment, no more treats, unless it is the type of treat that falls under "massage." And exercise. Yes, dear pilates, P90X, yoga--I'm looking at you. You vegetables you.

Croutons/Cranberries/Almonds. The sweet things in life--no! resist! Just kidding. Having Jedi, Mom, and Dad in town was good stuff.

Salad dressing. My salad is soaked in vinegar. I can smell it across the room.