Tuesday, January 19, 2010

A Snap/Snip Shot

Love how just when you think you are going to lose it, a nice calm day comes along, work gets done, there are no emergencies that cross your desk, and you even have time to swing by Starbucks downtown to meet your husband for a cup of green tea (no honey).

Love that.

In other news, Telly is running around the the house while simultaneously crossing his legs. That's right people, he is about be an it, on Friday. He will then wear the cone of shame (are you kidding me that you haven't seen up? Every time a dog was on screen in that movie, Vor and I were dying of laughter) for some time, look at us piteously, and act crazy.

I really, REALLY hope this stops the humping. We had guests come over, and I thought we were in the clear--he had not humped anyone's leg in quite some time, and he isn't really into jumping on people. Oh, no, though, he felt the need to hump every male's leg who walked through the front door. I could have just died. Not only should I have named my dog Sir Hump-a-lot, but he only does this to men. Really, really embarrassing.

I am strangely excited to go to criminal court tomorrow, and watch a trial that's related to one of my cases. I must have problems.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Chalk it Up

Remember when a holiday meant you didn't have to go to school, go to work, go to class?

Yeah. Miss that. Guess I should have been a professor.

In undergrad, I had no idea where I was going. Hell, in law school, I wasn't sure where I was going until I got this job offer. This job was everything I thought I wanted--public interest, saving the children, forcing me to challenge myself, doing good.

I think what I want out of a career is going to be more of an evolving process. I loved the English/Lit work, and I miss it, but I didn't feel like I was doing something that meant anything, at least to me. Here, I am doing something that means quite a bit, but I don't know if I can keep doing it. I stay awake thinking about it. I dream about it, and get no sleep. I. Can't. Stop.

Should I combine the two, and come out as a a law professor, someday? Maybe. But I don't think I would get that sense of fulfillment, that I am doing something meaningful, from it.

On the other hand, I could sleep. Stop getting new grey hairs. Stop crying at the drop of a pin and endlessly annoying Vor with my seeming inability to control my emotions and temper.

I think, first, I need to nail down what exactly it is about all this that I find so stressful and difficult to handle. I have several varied answers for that, and none are what you would think they are.

I've been fulltime since October. This should be getting better, not worse. I can't keep ignoring it, chalking it up to be new, and thinking it will get better. I need to sleep, forGodssake.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Move Along, Nothing to See

Yes, the new food plan is going great. Yes, I have sugar hangovers all the time and I desperately crave it. Oh, well.

Yes, it snowed a fair amount here, making driving miserable, and causing me to arrive at a court hearing, only to find out that the hearing was can celled... because of the snow storm I just drove through to get there.

Yes, work is good. And stressing me out. I just can't seem to get it. As much as I love what I do, and I think its worthwhile, I just don't know if I am cut out for this. I hate HATE confrontation. I don't think fast on my feet. I cry easily (I never used to. This is a recent phenomenon. What the hell?) I don't know how to fix this.

I came home and laid on the bed today and cried. I gave the dog the rest of the jar of peanut butter and watched him for a half an hour, focusing very hard on what he was doing so that I wouldn't think about anything else.

Of all the things I asked myself and thought of myself doing when I was 25, it wasn't this. I think, if I had thought of it, my younger self would have told the older self, that sounds really cool. And really worthwhile. But I don't think that would be good for you. Why? Just 'cause. I know.

It's probably just a bad day / week and a half. Right? Right. No need to worry. No need to read this. No need to say anything. Don't.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Caveman, Where Is Thy Bread?

Cavemen? Really? I know. Just when you think I've jumped off the deep end, I prove that no, that was only the shallow end, and now I'm moving towards the middle of the pool.

My dad is diabetic. Clearly, I have the predisposition, since it's genetic, I am built more like him, I can inhale chocolate without feeling any effect, I crave sugar like its air, and I can gain weight by smelling food. (I am completely not kidding about either) My brother, for almost two years now, has been on what he calls the paleo diet, and what I refer to as the caveman diet.

Basically, if a caveman could eat it, he can eat. Meat, veggies, very little cheese/dairy, absolutely no sugar--no bread (cavemen didn't make bread!) no pasta... you get the idea. Its South Beach on a crazy streak. Here's the thing though--he has never been so fit or healthy, and that's saying something. The doctors are amazed (as in, where is your bad cholesterol? we can't find!)

Clearly, this is all good stuff for my dad... and my brother has decided that I am going down the primrose path as well, so I am his target. This is all just in time for that lovely new years resolution to be more healthy.

So here I am, on day six. I feel tired, cranky, achy, and I have the mother of all headaches nesting inside my skull. My brother assures me this is normal, and I am going through sugar withdrawal. He's probably right. I have to say, it has not been hard to find things to eat though.

I could tell you about all the research he has sent me, but I'm too lazy. I could tell you about the food, but I'm hungry, smelling my steak cooking.

Vor says, if you're a caveman, shouldn't that steak be raw?

I think not. If that's the deepest end, rest assured I will never go there.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Obligatory New Year Entry

2009: So long, and thanks for all the fish!

2010:

Okay, clearly I have no set goals or plans. While I, personally,am more than happy to float along without a plan or goal, I realize that this is bad, because I will continue to do so indefinitely. So, I have learned to love plans, set goals, etc, etc, etc.

Plan: Watch Shrek tonight. (Kidding! Not what I mean by life plan.)

I am sorry to subject you to the life plans of Grace, and that I don't have something more original or funny to write (like perhaps talking about shoveling a foot of snow in Buffalo this past week) but this has to be written down. Goals must be written for this woman, or they are vapor and air.

Plan: Get back on track with food. I have a love-love-hae-love relationship with food. I love to cook and I am good at it; I love to eat; my body loves it when I eat; my body shape...not so much. I have long ago come to terms with the fact I am built to survive a famine and participate in rough-and-tumble extreme sports. I will never be like my sister, skinny as a rail, flat as a board, and a size two on a bad day. But, I can be healthier than I am now. So, out go the carbs (in solidarity with my Dad who has been BAD BAD BAD with his diet and lo! behold! diabetes!) and in come the veggies and better planning.

Plan: Budget better. Vor and I are kind of still used to living in the house we were renting, with no expenses really, and we could do prety much whatever we wanted. Dinner out? Great. Lunch out? Even better. Starbucks? Does anyone survive without it? Now we are homeowners, with a mortage, paying back our school loans. Just the sight of my medical bill from my little fiasco (still on going thank you very much) had Vor's teeth grinding and me bursting into to tears. Brutal. And we have good health insurance. So, budget. Make my tea at home, pack my lunch, try to figure out a way to bring my lnch to the courthouse sometimes, and so on. Do I want the boots? Yes. Need? Sigh.... no. Do I want the watch? Yes. Need? Well... maybe. That's one I'll start saving for.

Plan: Manage. I will manage myself better at work, get a better grip on the people I am managing, and manage my emtoions and stress. Why do I cry all the time now? I never used to cry. This crying thing is awful, miserable. I don't wanna. I had a great meeting/conversation with my supervising attorney, an dI think I am getting a better handle on this job thing.

Plan: Baby.

What?

That's right, I said it. At the end of 2010, Vor and I are going to enter into negotiations re: reprodction. I don't meannegotiations in the biblical sense, I mean in the face to face talkign sense. I can't say that I'll be anymore enthused about the idea then, but, who knows. I held Baby H for a loooong time last night. She is still around, and still a cutie, and still giving joy while she is here. Didthe baby holding jump start the biological clock? Nope. In fact, it was like taking a hammer to the clock. But, maybe. I know if I don't ever, I will hate myself, so even if I don't want to, I must. Comprehend? Good.

I have not had enough coffee/tea yet. This must be fixed.