Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Fear And Hope And Boiled Water

Did you know that boiling water has a smell? A horrific, terrible smell. It's a smell that makes me throw up immediately. Of course, I am also pregnant, so that might have something to do with why I fervently believe that boiling water has a horrible, terrible smell.

Yes. I am she of "never again" and yet, here I am, by hook or by crook, by plan or happenstance, by charts or by gin.

Quite frankly, the memory of how terrible this was never dimmed. I never got fuzzy, rosy looks backward to pregnancy and early infant days.  People kept saying I would, and honestly, it made me really mad. People have said that to me already, and I've pointed out that I've forgotten exactly nothing about how horrible it was; would they like me to recount the many places I threw up, or the exact details of Lis's grotesque surgery and scar? I love Lis, but pregnancy and infancy blew. Sorry, kid. You're awesome.

I'm scared. The nausea started off manageable, but it's rapidly escalated into trowing up at boiling water or whenever someone opens the refrigerator. They're already treating me as high risk, and checking for gestational diabetes, no thanks to my family for my shitty genetics.

I'm so scared it's going to happen again. Not the HG or the GD, though, yeah, I'm afraid of that. No, I'm scared of the craniosynostosis. Our odds are better this time, since I have several of family history factors that seem to correlate with non-syndromic craniosynostosis.

Breathe. It's early days.

I hope things will be better. I've been working out a lot, and I am in really good shape, strength wise, and I have a great routine going for myself. I've made a conscious decision to not be scared by all the restrictions and doctor recommendations and what have you this time. I'm going to eat a damn ham sandwich if I want, and I'm lifting weights. For the other thing which shall not be named...well. We'll see. We'll take it as it comes. If it comes, it was not insurmountable.

It's so early, still. I wouldn't be talking about it so openly. but I am so damn sick, that it seems clear SOMETHING is gestating about in my body. So, here we are. Ready to go for this rodeo again.